Solo

This week alone I saw two engagements and one pregnancy announcement pop up on my Facebook feed. All from girls the same age (or a year younger) than me. I am really happy for those people and I wish them nothing but the best, that doesn't mean I don't feel a twinge of hurt/jealousy whenever another announcement comes rolling in.

Once upon a time I met a boy who was a few check marks short of perfect…except for one glaring problem, he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Which I calmly accepted and let myself hope (and pray) that at some point the timing would be right and we could be together. Then he met someone else, who he was ready to be in a relationship with and I spent a month  far longer than I would like to admit bursting into tears when I saw photos of their adventures and listening to Taylor Swift while I tried to process my feelings towards the whole thing. Things are better now, I'm a little less emotionally fragile and when I step back and take myself out of the equation I really do want him to be happy. 

I get discouraged pretty easily when it feels like everyone else in the world is in a serious relationship, two steps away from marriage but I know that I would rather be single than be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. 

It's hard to be confident and okay with this whole season of singleness thing when I have such a strong desire to be married and have a family. I trust that there is a reason God's current plan for me doesn't involve being in a relationship. I have don't have much of an idea why that is, but if I let myself believe that it's something I'm doing wrong I get angry and bitter. And nobody likes the angry bitter single girl. Including myself.

If you want to read more about my thoughts on being single check out this post.

Linking up with Bailey Jean for Blog-Tember! 

Brave

Happy New Year Friends! I am can't wait to see what 2014 has in store for me and my blog. 

I'm starting off 2014 with another edition of The Girl Between the Lines link up with Hayley & Lauren. The prompt for this week is the question, "What is one thing you will do differently in 2014? Why do you want to change that one thing?" 

My answer to this question is simple. I want to be brave. 

It sounds simple enough. But even just typing the word brave increases my anxiety. Being brave means taking risks, stepping outside my comfort zone, trying new things, saying yes, not making excuses. Being brave is everything I am not. I like to play safe, I know the boundaries of my comfort zone, I'm happy with routines and sometimes declining a social event because "I have family stuff" really means "I would rather watch DVDs in my sweat pants because I don't really know anyone else who will be there." 

I've been thinking a lot about Texas over the past week and the more I think about it the more I am able to talk myself into the idea of going. And if it the camp in Texas doesn't work out, I'm opening up more and more to taking the plunge and moving somewhere exciting for a few months or a year. And the more I open up to it the more panicked I get, because moving is stressful. And there are so many logistical things to figure out, working visas, making enough money to live in wherever place plus pay student loans and other bills, making new friends, not getting murdered...

In the middle of it all I also remind myself that not so long ago an 18 year old me went off to university hundreds of miles away from home without knowing anybody. And that worked out pretty well. I have no idea why 23 (almost 24) year old me can't seem to make a similar leap of faith. If I did it then I can do it now. 

In the past five years my faith in God has only gotten stronger, I'm certainly more mature than I was at 18, in some ways I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin, I have a much better understand of what I want in life and yet I'm so scared to make any major changes. Which when I think about it is a waste. I fully admit to being  unhappy with my single-ness. If life was going according to my plan at this point in my life I would either be a newly wed with plans to become a mom very soon or I would at least be in a very serious/committed relationship and making plans to spend the rest of our lives together. That's not where I am though. I'm single. And being single means that right now in this moment, in this big picture my only real responsibility is myself. When I make decisions I don't have to consider how it will affect my husband, I don't have to turn down opportunities because I want my children to go to a certain school or be near their grandparents. I am one. 

So in 2014 I'm going to be brave. I'm going to choose adventure, step outside my comfort zone and use this season of singleness to its fullest potential because someday (hopefully) I'll be a wife and mother with responsibilities that don't allow me to pick up and move to Texas if I so desire. And I'll be happy then, but I also need to be truly happy now. And in order for me to be happy I need to make some changes and all of those changes require me to be brave. 

Inhale, Exhale, Unplug

I'd be lying if I said it was all sunshine & rainbows  snowflakes & tinsel around here lately, the past two weeks seem to have had more than their fair share of bumps. Which is probably why I've spent the last 2 hours alternating between ugly crying and silently sobbing in to the sleeve of my hoodie.

There was more bad news on the job/grant front this week and there's a major storm in the forecast which mean I might not get to go away this weekend. Overall I feel increasingly frustrated with circumstances and I'm not sure what do to next. Of course it doesn't help that because I have no friends within a 500 km radius I spend a lot of time online, a good chuck of said time spent creeping acquaintances and random people I went to high school/university with who have open social media profiles. All this leads to a whole lot of comparison. And I think we can all agree comparison should be considered a dirty word. 

It's hard to be happy and satisfied with my current life phase when I'm constantly being reminded that the girl who spent her high school days high as a kite and skipping class is now married with a baby. Or the guy who lived down the hall from you in res and obnoxiously paraded his weekend hook ups through the halls every weekend has proposed to his girlfriend. And of course that one person who you just don't like because there's just something about them that drives you nuts is now living the dream, working for a production company getting paid to act and write and be creative. Scrolling through the Newsfeeds as you sit at home (home being your parents house) for the 10th Saturday night in a row is not good for the self esteem. 

I am praying with everything I've got that the weather clears up and I can get away this weekend. I need some quality girl time away from it all to just be in the moment with friends and not have to rely on technology for social interaction. Just to breathe deep, not worry about missing texts or messages because everyone I need to be with is in the same room. And then when the weekend is over to take a step back in and be able to focus on the positive and trust that God isn't doing this to torture me, He has a plan. The universe knows what's up, everything will work out exactly the way it's supposed to (and not a moment too soon/late). 

Until then I need to sit in a hot tub with my bestries, drink a lot of wine and rant about how much being a single 20-something with no idea what to do next when nothing seems to work out sucks. 

See you Monday Bloggy Friends. 

Being Single

I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm a big ol' scaredy cat. Haunted Corn Maze? No thanks. Walking across the field alone in the dark? Not happening. Roller Coasters? Not a chance. I fast forward through the "scary" scenes in Disney movies...let that one sink in for a second. 

As much as I hate all those things I would gladly suck it up and sit in the very middle of the dark field, watching the scene with the wolves from Beauty & The Beast and get on a roller coaster through a haunted corn maze if it meant I could get rid of my ultimate fear. Being Alone.

I joke about being born in the wrong era because as much as I love camp, all I really want to be when I grow up is a 50's housewife. I just want to get married, have babies, dress up in cute dresses and wear pearls and have supper on the table when husband comes home at 5:00. Although I also really want to marry a farmer in which case I want to grow up to be Ree Drummond. Anyway...the point of that is I'm nowhere's close to accomplishing either of those scenarios. So I'm forced to confront my fear everyday. And it's HARD.

My parents have been together since they were in high school and I always assumed that would happen for me too, but it didn't. Then I assumed I would meet someone in university and we'd spend our 20s falling in love and having adventures. That didn't happen either. So I'm constantly being forced to adjust my expectations. I know I don't "need" a husband. But I want one. I know that I am perfectly capable of fostering/adopting children on my own, but again, that's not what I want. 

I'm such a huge believer that everything happens for a reason so I am constantly reminding myself that everything will work out the way it's supposed to work out, even if it's not the way I planned. I pray a lot for patience and also that if I'm meant to meet "the one" and get married that I will be okay with that, because right now I'm not. The thought of going through life single terrifies me, I tell people that my biggest fear is being alone, but I rarely go into details, because just thinking about it makes me cry. 

Within the past six months people I went to high school and university with have really started settling down every holiday brings a new engagement announcement. (Seriously, no holiday is safe. One girl found her engagement ring hidden in a pancake on Shrove Tuesday.) And I want to be happy for them and I am happy, but at the bottom of my happiness is a voice that just keeps asking "Why not me?" it's hard to stay positive and hopeful and faithful that that things are happening (and not happening) exactly the way they are supposed to happen (and not happen). But I am getting better at it and trying to focus on other things and hoping with all my heart that Future Husband is out there somewhere and he is just as excited to meet me as I am to meet him.