Being Single

I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm a big ol' scaredy cat. Haunted Corn Maze? No thanks. Walking across the field alone in the dark? Not happening. Roller Coasters? Not a chance. I fast forward through the "scary" scenes in Disney movies...let that one sink in for a second. 

As much as I hate all those things I would gladly suck it up and sit in the very middle of the dark field, watching the scene with the wolves from Beauty & The Beast and get on a roller coaster through a haunted corn maze if it meant I could get rid of my ultimate fear. Being Alone.

I joke about being born in the wrong era because as much as I love camp, all I really want to be when I grow up is a 50's housewife. I just want to get married, have babies, dress up in cute dresses and wear pearls and have supper on the table when husband comes home at 5:00. Although I also really want to marry a farmer in which case I want to grow up to be Ree Drummond. Anyway...the point of that is I'm nowhere's close to accomplishing either of those scenarios. So I'm forced to confront my fear everyday. And it's HARD.

My parents have been together since they were in high school and I always assumed that would happen for me too, but it didn't. Then I assumed I would meet someone in university and we'd spend our 20s falling in love and having adventures. That didn't happen either. So I'm constantly being forced to adjust my expectations. I know I don't "need" a husband. But I want one. I know that I am perfectly capable of fostering/adopting children on my own, but again, that's not what I want. 

I'm such a huge believer that everything happens for a reason so I am constantly reminding myself that everything will work out the way it's supposed to work out, even if it's not the way I planned. I pray a lot for patience and also that if I'm meant to meet "the one" and get married that I will be okay with that, because right now I'm not. The thought of going through life single terrifies me, I tell people that my biggest fear is being alone, but I rarely go into details, because just thinking about it makes me cry. 

Within the past six months people I went to high school and university with have really started settling down every holiday brings a new engagement announcement. (Seriously, no holiday is safe. One girl found her engagement ring hidden in a pancake on Shrove Tuesday.) And I want to be happy for them and I am happy, but at the bottom of my happiness is a voice that just keeps asking "Why not me?" it's hard to stay positive and hopeful and faithful that that things are happening (and not happening) exactly the way they are supposed to happen (and not happen). But I am getting better at it and trying to focus on other things and hoping with all my heart that Future Husband is out there somewhere and he is just as excited to meet me as I am to meet him.